The worst Christmas albums of all time, according to Melbourne music legend SPOD
02.12.2019

The worst Christmas albums of all time, according to Melbourne music legend SPOD

We chat to the music futurist before indie label Rice Is Nice’s upcoming Christmas bash at The Curtin.

Rice Is Nice’s Christmas Special will see the likes of SPOD, Sarah Mary Chadwick, Lowtide and Spike Vincent perform at The Curtin on Sunday December 8 before the event then jets off to Brisbane and Sydney. Prior to the event, we sat down with event headliner SPOD about the Chrissy albums that drive him up the wall.

Bob Dylan – Christmas in the Heart (2009)

The comforting jangle of sleigh bells open up this 2009 album, preparing you for the comfort of a lovely Christmas tune, only to drop you head-first into a drunk uncle Bob trying to break into your house after you booted him at 1pm for pissing in the punchbowl.

Various Artists – Christmas on Death Row (2004)

The first song is sick, don’t worry about it. Nate and Snoop Dogg rapping about Santa Claus going to the ghetto is a top vibe. But you just know this pile of dogg-shit is a bunch of B-roll beats they farted on to make some of those Christmas bucks for Santa Suge [Knight].

Eric Clapton – Happy Xmas (2018)

When I was in primary school, we called Eric Clapton Eric Crapton. Pretty good stuff. This album is a huge tonne of crap, which brings it full circle. It starts off with Eric’s classic shark-eyed, no soul-blues, and it meanders along like this till ‘Jingle Bells (In Memory of Avicii)’ – holy smokes, Eric’s fucken cooked. He’s plonked down some apple loops in GarageBand and forgot to jingle any bells.

William Shatner – Shatner Claus (2018)

When ironic stars jump on board their own poopship, I never know if that’s the best or worst thing. Here’s William screaming from the highest Christmas tree in the land “I’M A PILE OF RAT BALLS!” and people get to feel the hot jazz of laughing at someone who’s trying to laugh with them. Where’s the fun in that? It’s a star-studded lineup, and I hope it put a few more presents under the tree for all the loaded Famers involved in this ‘cash in a barrel’ free-for-all. Good onya William, fuck off.

Weezer – Christmas with Weezer (2008)

It’s Weezer doing Christmas songs. You know exactly how this sounds, so don’t.

Pentatonix – The Best of Pentatonix Christmas (2019)

Modern a capella dogshit that your aunty would put on thinking it’s funky as hell, and look you in the eye saying “Isn’t this fun and crazy?”. No, it’s hell on earth. It’s the toilet of everything good and wonderful about this world. It’s a bunch of very technically-talented human beings being absolutely disgusting and makes me think music was a huge mistake.

Ariana Grande – Christmas & Chill (2015)

That title makes me want to flush my lungs down the toilet. And the music sounds like loopmasters.com make $99 bucks for Christmas, so congrats to them I guess.

The anomaly

Various Artists – A Motown Christmas (1973)

I feel terrible that I’ve been forced to delve into a negative well at this wonderful time of year, so here’s my favourite Christmas album. Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder, The Temptations and The Supremes absolutely rippin’ this apart. Sure, it’s no less a cash grab as the rest, but at least it sounds delightful so put this motherfucker on December 1 and reckon with the truth that we peaked as a species about 50 years ago and are riding Santa’s sleigh right into the depths of hell. Merry Christmas!

The Rice Is Nice Christmas Special goes down at Melbourne’s The John Curtin Hotel on Sunday December 8, The Bearded Lady in Brisbane on Saturday December 14 and then Sydney’s Vic on the Park on Sunday December 15. Find out more and grab tickets via the links.