The 10 worst people to run into at a house party
21.07.2020

The 10 worst people to run into at a house party

Words by Charisa Bossinakis

We’ve all bumped into one of these people at a party.

We all miss house parties – the rogue nature of their happenings and the unanticipated crazy shit that can go down. It’s their unpredictability that people live for and the multifaceted nature of a house party could have you doing any range of things – dancing, doing shots, conversing, playing drinking games, chilling on a couch or anything in between.

While house parties are the creator of incredible memories, some people turn into interesting characters at such shindigs. There are some classic traits that emerge at house parties so we’ve put together a list on the 10 worst people to run into at a house party while we wait for these splendid events to return. They’ll be back everyone so don’t stress.

1. The avid beer pong player

“Did somebody saaaay beer pong!?”

You know this dude has a beer pong table at home and practises when no one else is around. They’ll win one game and get all confident. Then, when they’re not playing, they’ll remain high profile to ensure they don’t miss their next opportunity. They know all the rules and aren’t flexible to a new suggestion or some fresh change. Take a chill pill, sarge.

2. The guy who loves to neg

This is the guy who offers up a compliment sandwich: two compliments with an insult wedged in between.

For example: “You look so good tonight … mostly, you dress pretty cheaply … your hair is so shiny!”

These guys never want to give you a simple haze or a tease, they intend to point out your flaws in the hopes that you’ll feel insecure enough to jump into bed with them. Guys who are more experienced in the art of negging, often take slight jabs at you, so you don’t even realise it’s happening at the time. They’ll say things like, “You know, you remind me a lot of my crazy ex”. Which always begs the question: What did you do to make her crazy? Their work is so subtle and quick, they move like a Hattori Hanzo sword from Kill Bill – you don’t even know you’re getting cut until after the fact.

3. The guy who graduated years ago and is still showing up

Let’s party like it’s 1999, but for some, that’s the year they graduated. You are NEVER too old to party, but you are too old for some parties. If you look around the place and notice you are the oldest by a country mile, you need to be in a different room. I wish every party had a Craig Robinson from Knocked Up as its bouncer, affirming to the mature-aged party-goers, “I can’t let you in because you’re old as fuck, for this club, not for the earth”.

4. The guy who whips out his guitar every chance he gets

There’s always one who thinks they’ve got game. Whether they’re hoping a record label exec might be undercover or are just trying to impress a girl. On most occasions, this is not the case – they don’t have game and they’d be far better off putting the acoustic down. More often than not, they’re killing the vibe and it could even spell the end of the night. Sayonara, guitar guy.

5. The over-enthusiastic traveller

There’s always that one wanderluster who’s been on a “life-changing” trip in the last 12 months. This person loves to flex how many countries they’ve travelled to, suggesting how cultured they are. As soon as they mention “Croatia”, we know they’re about to talk about getting drunk on a boat near some islands somewhere. If they mention “Italy”, well there’s no doubting they’ve visited Cinque Terra. What about “Amsterdam”? Yep, they’ve definitely tried brownies. We love to hear about your stories and everything, feel free to just tone it down a little.

6. The surprise D&M-er

Don’t get it twisted, we all love a good fat chat, but there is a time and place for it, context is everything. A D&M is like a candid photograph – if it’s not perfectly timed, it ends up being a bit shit. This person will drunkenly delve into politics and relay it with how they’re “so happy” that their ex is finally moving on. Tell me next Thursday when I’m wearing a dressing gown and drinking tea… not now.

7. The guy who has only two stages: sober or coma

This one always creeps up on you because one minute this guy is talking about the Gulf War and the next, he’s taking his shirt off and swinging it around like a helicopter on the coffee table. This guy has no middle ground. Either he’s sober or obliterated and makes the transition so swiftly, you barely notice. He’ll be in five places at once and all you’re hoping for is that he passes out, because that’s when the torment will be over.

8. The playlist hog

This person thinks they are careful curators of the music industry because they pay for Spotify Premium once a month. To be fair, it’s sometimes a burden to be in charge of the party playlist – the pressure of having to satisfy party-goers as you dodge that one drunk girl who’s requesting The Veronicas’ ‘Untouched’. We get it, you saw them at Splendour. But there is a clear divide between those willing to take song suggestions from the crowd from those insisting that no one dares to touch their playlist while they’re sitting on the throne.

9. The guy who’s offering back massages

Yeah, look, just no.

10. The girl who tries to guess your horoscope

“Omg, you’re such a Taurus!” she says. “I’m a Leo.”

This is almost always somebody you’ve just met, but somehow they’re convinced they’re the reincarnation of Nostradamus. They seem convinced that you share the same affinity for astrology and as they start talking, they’ll mention their ex is a “Gemini” and wink at you like you have any concept of what that means. Proceed with caution with this party-goer as they also use astrology as the scapegoat for their bad behaviour.

“Sorry! I’m a little off tonight, my retrograde is not in sync with my flower moon.”

Keen on another fun read? Check out our list on the best songs of 2020 so far from all-Melbourne artists.

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