23 things we’ve all done on a night out in Melbourne
20.08.2020

23 things we’ve all done on a night out in Melbourne

Colour Club
Words by Arielle Richards and Tom Parker

We miss the party life.

Melbourne’s nightlife is a delectable treat. With so many bars, clubs and live music venues to hit, you’re spoilt for choice. But for whatever reason, there’s always one who falls into the same traps. How many times have you spent ages searching for your mates at The Old Bar, many a drink deep and entertaining the idea that they’re all hiding from you in one dank cubicle – until a reread of their texts reveals they had said Bar Open.

How many times have you enjoyed that sweaty post-Sircuit kebab, or thought it was a good idea to visit a CBD Maccas after a club stint, only for the pure scene of the joint to bring you crashing down to earth, hastening that early-onset hangover.

In this time of weirdness, hardship and horror, let’s explore 23 things we’ve all done on a night out in Melbourne. Because why not?!

1. The group finally gets their shit together and goes to the house party

After a solid six hours of hanging and drinking at home, you finally muster the energy to socialise. You’ve been saying “we should do something” since congregating – the night is your oyster, time to get out and mingle. Arriving at a random Fitzroy backyard, you and your friends survey the scene. Across the backyard, six other groups sit, hanging and drinking. Faint music plays from the empty dancefloor inside. Your group takes up a spot in an empty corner and resumes hanging and drinking. Nobody mingles.

2. Started proceedings at Shanghai Dumplings

15 dumplings for $11… Yes, please!

3. Ended up at Yah Yah’s

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“No, really, what happened last night.”

4. Hit up one of Yah Yah’s 2am shows

You haven’t experienced the proper Melbourne live music experience without a trip to Yah Yah’s for one of their 2am gigs.

5. Almost gone to The Night Cat

“Next time!”

6. Felt alive in The Tote moshpit

“I skulled my pint and nek minute…”

7. Realised in the Uber on the way to the club you lost your phone, keys or wallet

Let’s be honest, they’re all lost at the pub? Or one of the pubs, or was it at pres, or… dinner? Surely not.. But maybe? At this point, you should probably go home. But regardless, whether all your essentials are safe together in a nameless bathroom somewhere, or scattered across several mystery locations like an inane treasure hunt, that’s tomorrow’s problem.

“I’m fucking crazy, but I’m free,” you whisper to yourself, as you approach the Revs bouncers.

8. Had a drink at The Abory because of word of mouth

A sick joint that’s certainly gotten plenty of business by sheer word of mouth: “I think it’s the longest bar in the southern hemisphere or something.”

9. Enjoy the city views from Rooftop

Rooftop is the premier spot for a bit of city gazing, if that’s your thing. Grab your drink and give Melbourne the 360 – it’s a pretty sweet sight.

10. Left Radar to go to Colour

“I just had to get out of the city.”

11. Kicked on in The Corner front bar

After hitting a gig at The Corner, sticking around for one more beer is almost mandatory.

12. Boogied down to Cherry Bar’s legendary Thursday soul night

Cherry Bar produced some of the best mid-week boogies with their Thursday soul night.

13. Had a wild night dancing in The Curtin front bar

Of all Melbourne’s live music venues, The Curtin has the crossover between live music and the extended party down to a fine art. The gig finishes upstairs and on many occasions, the night has only just begun.

14. Got shown The Gracement and felt like you were at a house party

The Grace Darling’s downstairs bandroom, i.e. “The Gracement”, is a real surprise for the unlearned Melbourne night owl. Those wandering into the residence for the first time don’t know what’s coming for them but when your experienced mate takes your hand and takes you down that skinny staircase, your night just got a whole lot more eventful.

15. Factored Bimbo’s $4 pizza into your night-time arrangements

Yeah, we’ve all done it.

16. Partied at Revs till 7am

Tottering down the staircase after wrangling your stuff from the coat-check, never prepared for what awaits you at its end. South Yarra is a peculiar place to tumble out from Revs into the world, like the opposite of being reborn, like going into the light, from the womb into… doom? No, it’s a beautiful day. Sunlight – why is it so bright? – streaming down on families pushing prams, couples getting coffees, Sunday stuff. Must get the fuck out of here – but wait, it’s not a trip to Revs if you don’t hit up the other gem of the southside.

17. Enjoyed a ciggie on The Gaso balcony

“Light me up, boi!”

18. Found yourself in a random room at The Gaso

The Gaso has got heaps of different sections and hidey holes that it sometimes feels like an adventure playground.

19. Bought a bottle of red at The Evelyn bottle shop and drank it at the venue

At the beloved Evelyn Hotel, you can buy a bottle of wine at the their connecting bottle shop and enjoy it at the venue without having to pay corkage. It’s a trick for young players that’s facilitated many drunken escapades.

20. Arrived at One Year and thought, “Have I got the right place?”

One Year was the sickest gig spot in Melbourne for a while but eventually got shut down. The bar was set in a house, so as you waited for the next band you could’ve found yourself in all manner of places – on a couch in a lounge room, sitting in a narrow courtyard smoking a dart or chatting with a mate in a corridor. For first timers, getting into One Year was hard. The trick? Knock on the front door and hope to god someone is on the other side.

21. Partied in the sun at Section 8

This place is the master setting for an arvo sesh. With DJs pumping and a cool vibe with plants and shit hanging from the roof, Section 8 is unrivaled.

22. Poisoned yourself

Finally making it to the club, you are faced with an existential dilemma. You’ve already downed a bottle of wine at pre’s – it was appropriate for the time – a nice chilled red, and then onto something else, a little cheaper, in the spirit of razzing up for the night of your life. But now you’re here, and you can’t drink wine at the club… or can you? No, you can’t. “Never mix, never worry.” The old adage keeps repeating in the back of your head, disrupting your frenzied thoughts. Whatever you choose now, you must drink for the rest of the night… you must choose carefully.

The bartender is waiting, they seem to hate you.

“Two tequila shots please!”

The bed has been made, and you’ll be rolling around in it for quite some time.

23. The 24 hour bottle shop

The dead zone between leaving the club, kick-ons, and the bottle shop’s opening hours can kill the party dead. Thankfully there is the 24 hour bottle-o, handy if you’re already in Windsor, annoying if you’re anywhere else. How many times have you chipped in for a 24 hour bottle-o booze run? A little bit exxy as you need to cover the chosen comrade’s Uber, but nevertheless worth it. Must protect the party at all costs.

Keen on another fun read? Check out our list of Melbourne’s best dancefloors.

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