Seven Seas – Sforzando Vs The Ramshackle Army
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Seven Seas – Sforzando Vs The Ramshackle Army

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SFORZANDO level their cutlasses (er, questions) at THE RAMSHACKLE ARMY

 

How do you spell ‘pirate’?

I was never good at the spellings but I thinks there are lots of ‘RRRRRRRRR’s’…. yep… I went there.”


Given Parmenides’ theory of change being impossible (because the past, being ‘known’ or ‘understood’, must therefore also simultaneously ‘exist’ in the present), who do you think will win the ANZAC Day Essendon vs Collingwood match?

While Parmenides theory may be applicable to an extent, I must find Newton’s first law of motion more appropriate. Being that one of our members is an Essendon supporter, if I don’t say ‘the Bombers’, an object in motion (his fist) will remain in motion until acted upon by an external force (my face).”


Who would win a round of golf between a) a pirate, b) a professional golfer, and c) another professional golfer?

I would have to say the winner is anyone in the world NOT having to watch the game of golf.”


Are there any single women in The Ramshackle Army, and if so, would they like to go on a date with any of the plethora of single men in Sforzando?

How to answer this nicely… it’s not you, it’s her… you’re not her type… she’s becoming a nun.”


Can we use your drum kit? ‘Cos our drummer wants to get drunk and not have to worry about lugging his shit home.

Only if we can use your lead singer… I’ve just heard the night is sponsored by Sailor Jerry’s Rum and I may be in a puddle in the corner by set time.”


What is your full name, address, date of birth and credit card number?

Gaz is my stage name… er, I can be contacted at: J Packer, Consolidated Media Holdings Corporate Office, Sydney. Credit is for chumps.”


If I’m a pirate, why can’t I swim?

Because hooks and wooden legs don’t have sufficient propulsion based properties.”

 

THE RAMSHACKLE ARMY make SFORZANDO walk the plank…

 

I always thought it should be Z-for-zando… where did ye name come from?

Sforzando is an Italian musical term in the same group of words as ‘crescendo’ and ‘pianissimo’. ‘Sforza’ is the Italian word for ‘force’, and when the term ‘sfz’ is placed in a musical score the musician must play his or her instrument ‘with force’. I have been the lead singer of Sforzando for 15 years and I still can’t pronounce it. It’s the worst fucking band name ever. We sound like undergraduate titheads.”


Sforzando used to plunder many a venue around Melbourne, but disappeared for a while. Were you in hiding and how did you’re piratey skillz up to scratch ready to come back so ferociously?

The fuck? We never went anywhere… We’re just lazy, unorganised and don’t do gigs unless someone asks us to. Sometimes, we forget we even exist, but someone rings and makes us do a show, so we meet up. The last time all eight of us actually rehearsed Paul Keating was the Prime-Minister and my stomach was flat.”


Who would win in an old timey bare knuckled boxing match between you and the Wiggles’ Captain Feathersword?

He’d win by default because we’d forget to turn up.”


As pirates are you big in Somalia?

No, but we have sold more CDs in Portugal than Australia. Seriously, we have. Which is a shame, because Portugal sounds kinda shit. It’s kinda the little sibling of Spain, isn’t it? Sort of like the Dutch being just weird Germans, and New Zealanders being just like Australians, but smelling a lot worse.”


In a scale of ‘one’ to ‘unable to play’, how distracted will you be by the beautiful burlesque wenches surrounding you at Seven Seas?

We’re bringing two of our own burlesque wenches for this night, one of who is going to do a full strip. She has a great rack. We’re not at all perturbed by wenches, because we’re pirates and we have wenches around us all the time. Sometimes, they’ll give us the time of day.”


What plundering and pillaging do ye see on the horizon for the good ship Sforzando?

We plunder ideas!  We pillage concepts!  (We’re scared of the water).”