When metal meets Magic: The Gathering

My life has been enriched by a new obsession – trading card game Magic: The Gathering. In many ways it feels like when I dove headfirst into heavy metal – the deeper I get, the more I understand the lore, the more diversity I discover, the more playing formats and styles I become familiar with, and the more obsessed I become with what I feel is best summarised as ‘an infinite game of chess contained within very cool pictures’. 

Similarly, my mind was blown the first time someone drew a Disentomb card to return a target creature card from their graveyard to their hand. I thought Disentomb, the brutal death metal band, just made that word up. On that note, here’s a bunch of Magic cards from my collection that may or may not also be bands.
Ravenous Chupacabra. When Ravenous Chupacabra enters the battlefield, destroy target creature. I firmly believe that Ravenous Chupacabra is also a South American deathgrind band with a blood-splattered sense of humour and a cocaine habit that has since progressed to meth.
Invoke The Divine. Destroy target artefact or enchantment, you gain four life. I also suspect that Invoke The Divine is probably some band from Queensland that reckons they hate metalcore, but also covers songs from the first two Trivium albums.
Arcane Lighthouse adds one to your mana pool, but can also be tapped to make your opponent’s creatures lose hexproof and shroud until the end of turn. I’m yet to use this second ability. I’m also never going to listen to this band.
Mindslaver. Sacrifice Mindslaver and you control target player during that next player’s turn. Mindslaver could also be a mid-west American crossover thrash band with a big pit emphasis, and second-hand Metallica shirts to try and make you forget about their hardcore days.
Primordial Wurm exists deep within the underground black/death scene, and only play shows with other bands deemed kvlt and trve enough once or twice a year. In reality though, it’s a six mana cost creature card that, while strong and powerful, has no special abilities at all.
Phantom Nishoba. This card has trample, comes into play with seven +1/+1 counters on it, and whenever it deals damage you gain that much life. I’m also not sure if they’re a blackened thrash band from Japan, or just a bunch of metalcore weebs from Melbourne.
Eternal Thirst. Enchanted creature has lifelink and whenever a creature an opponent controls dies, put a +1/+1 counter on it. Eternal Thirst probably loves The Black Dahlia Murder enough to be a great melodic death metal band, but a little too much to ever truly stand out.
Desert of The True enters the battlefield tapped. Desert of The True also enters the green room of the single stage ‘prog festival’ smelling like green apple vape juice, reheated pizza, firmly sealed virginity, and old spice.