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Nick Joined: 19th January 2011
Last seen: 24th July 2014

The Voice Reviewed

This was the second episode of The Voice I had seen, and I’ve been privileged enough to witness the show blossom from a complete turd into a half turd, half mutated carrot.

If you haven’t seen the show, it’s basically a competition to find who can sing really well without having been tested on any musical or songwriting ability whatsoever. Apparently, participants are judged according to two factors. The first is how much they “own” a song, all the while ensuring not to “own” the song too much, because then Delta ‘I Don’t Know How To Sit The Fuck Down’ Goodrem breaks down and cries, pissing off the whole country. The second criteria is how long it takes during your performance before Delta Goodrem stands up, pumps her fist and once again pisses off the whole of Australia.


The show features the UK’s Seal, America’s Joel Madden and an unknown Irish gypsy as host. Luckily for us Australians watching, the producers have also allowed Keith Urban and Delta Goodrem to feature on the show, too. You may know Keith Urban as that hugely popular country singer whose songs nobody knows the names of or words to. You’ll know Delta from your headaches.


The episode opens with the elimination of previous contestants. The losers this week were Danni, Emma, Viktoria and Guy Sebastian’s brother. I’m sure he has a name, but I’m going by what he probably uses at bars to get laid.


The show transitions to commercial break, graciously reminding us that “This is The Voice!!!” in case we’d forgotten what we were watching two seconds prior to the transition screen. When we return, banter ensues as a result of Joel Madden’s latest haircut, which looks like a tiger who had just been run over, then it rained overnight, then Matt Preston took a shit on it.


Nobody really knows why Joel Madden is on the show. In the first episode I watched, he was trying to teach some singing teachers, before finally admitting “I can’t teach you technique, but what I can give you is your soul”. Thus, Madden has firmly established himself as somewhat of a spiritual guru on the show – a giver of souls to the banished angels that are the contestants on The Voice.


Following a horrible performance by Lakyn or Lanky or Lake Inn or Edward Cullen, Joel Madden wows the millions watching with an original metaphor about falling off a skateboard and getting back on. By getting back on, he contends, one will succeed through sheer determination. He really is a spiritual guru, and the show is lucky to have him.


After other performers try their best to “own” a song, the show is rocked to its core by a wondrous performance by a performer called Ugly Kevin Spacey. Ugly Kevin Spacey dominates, and rewind footage shows Delta already out of her chair, dancing, high fiving, sponsoring kids in Africa and whatnot before his breath even hit the microphone.


After some flirtatious monkey business between Delta and Joel, the audience can’t help but wonder if he'd like to nail her. Keith’s (sort of) ruled out because he’s taken by Nicole Kidman, Seal is a wildcard. Smart money’s on Joel, but don’t rule out the gypsy either.

Overall, The Voice is fucking terrible, but somewhat worthwhile if only to see how much Ugly Kevin Spacey really looks like an ugly Kevin Spacey.