Metalocalypse - October 12, 2011
Soooo, how about that Soundwave lineup, innit. You've already forgotten how bad that lot fucked you over with the Revolution debacle, haven't you? As well you should. You're an easily swayed sort and probably taste your own butthole when you think no-one is looking. Everyone loves the '90s and early naughties, which is what we're gonna be aurally feasting upon in excess around March next year… provided the bastard festival actually happens. Shit man, I didn't even think System Of A Down were still a band, and Coal Chamber? Theydefinitely haven't been a band for a while. The old stuff's fun, 'course - but down the bottom there they've hidden both Gojira and Devin Townsend. Shit is about to get extremely sincere.
ABSU IN AUS
Welp, didn't see that coming. Partly because I've always thought of the members of Absu as being some kind of malevolent black mist that only forms solid, vaguely humanoid shapes when the time comes to roll everyone with black metal. The fact they can travel is amazing, and they're coming over this way for a show at East Brunswick Club on Saturday January 14 next year. Queensland's Portal are coming with 'em, and so are Ruins. Gonna be brutal, stubs at moshtix.com.
ABSU IN YOU
P'raps you need a reminder why Absu are so wicked and you must see them when they tour this way. Go and check out the stream of their new album Abzu at www.decibelmagazine.com and then try to tell me that you don't have a massive Ron Burgundy-style erection. Unless you're me, it'll be easy to tell if you're lying. All my readers have huge penises. I have mentioned dick a lot in this week's column, and for that I'm not sorry. They're funny. If it was up to me, there'd be pictures of gigantic veiny shlongs all over this fucking place and you'd love it. You would. Om nom nom, all that. This is getting out of hand.
Do you like Hypocrisy? Some of you really, really do. I once got into a massive internet trollolol with some dickhead who took umbrage to some tiny-arse thing I'd written about them in this fair column. He was a dedicated fan. Also probably unable to maintain an erection in good company. If you, much like him, really enjoy a good bit of Swedish death metal from the twisted house of Peter Tägtgren, the band's upcoming live CD/DVD, Hell Over Sofia comes out on October 21.
STEEL PANTHER'S ODD GUESTS
Steel Panther are kinda meh. This shit's just a little too deliberate to be funny, and the older bros get, the more tragic they look when dressed as young girls. Also, glam metal is for retards who can't get laid without lycra pants. Don't listen to it, you'll immediately contract herpes - and especially don't listen to SP's next record, Balls Out. Not only does it feature a bizarre cameo from comic Dane Cook, but Nickelback tosspot Chad Kroeger shows up to do something lame on It Won't Suck Itself. The song is probably about Nickelback and how much cock they have inside their mouths. I applaud SP's topicality in this instance.
BAL-SAGOTH RE-RELEASING STUFF
Bal-Sagoth are crushing, and also a little hilarious. Good combo. The British fantasy metallers are re-releasing their last three recrods The Power Cosmic, Atlantis Ascendant, and The Chthonic Chronicles on November 14, just because. Curiously, these reissues will be limited to 2,000 copies each, which seems totally strange unless there's something tres special about them. Which there doesn't seem to be. Too much Warhammer for you cunts, I think.
SOLO PROJ FROM RED CHORD GUY
The Red Chord guitarist Mike McKenzie is going solo, having just announced his new by-myself project, Stomach Earth. He's written everything, played all the instruments and done all the vocals hisself, but what does it sound like? Like "miserable and crawling doom/death metal with a heavy H.P. Lovecraft influence." Fuck that sounds awesome. Check out a rough scratch track over at www.facebook.com/StomachEarth.
TRIPLE TOBES UNEARTHED
Go and listen to Empyreon [empyreon.bandcamp.com] right now. The best melodic death that… New York has to offer? Better believe it. Drummer's the man outta scraggly Converge lovers, Meek Is Murder, too. Big pedigree.
WHAT THE FUCK!? HAVE YOU SEEN SEASON 3 OF METALOCALYPSE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!? POP-ROCK-OPERA? THAT'S IT! GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER!!!
- Your ever faithful servant, Lucifer
Hey, Satan. What's up. Yeah man, all the greats must come to a sudden screeching halt at around season 3 or so. Gravity, you know. True Blood's a massive offender, not that I, erm, watch that. Game Of Thrones better not end up nibbling that much cock-stump next year or I'll be mad. Thinking of renaming the column since Metalocalypse has gone to unamusing shit, but then I just keep getting worse and worse too so it all works out in the end.