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Metalocalypse

RAWR!

Twitter makes me feel old. Man, how do you even use this shitting thing. Hash tags? Is that when ya'll develop excess nobbles of skin from charfing the good stuff? Ner? Fuck you. Anyway, I started up a separate Twatter for the ol' Metaloc but can't be arsed maintaining two of the bastard things, so come JOIN me over at twitter.com/jane_tobes to experience a relentless onslaught of psychobabble and raging sexuality. Also there's some crap in there about bands what I'm interviewing and albums that're gonna maybe be great and some guff about sluts what I seen nude on the interbutt.

SHOCK, HORROR: GHOST GIVE A VIDEO INTERVIEW

Everybody shut up, stop what you're doing, resist the urge to touch yourself: Ghost have given a video interview. The notoriously enigmatic dogs of Satan rarely do any press, and generally don't say all that much when they do. This is different, their first filmed interview and totally worth it. Go: metalinjection.net/tv/view/7177/ghost-first-video-interview-ever


BRENT HINDS LOVES MONEY AND FISH

Soooo, what did you kids think about Mastodon damagehead Brent Hinds showing up in that commercial for Elmyr's restaurant? Quite the oddness, I felt, but eh. You know what? You go get that easy scratch, Hindsy. Power to him and his riffs. The bloopers might just win over the outraged, though. YouLube: 'Brent Hinds Commercial Bloopers.' Fish!

 

LACUNA COIL'S DARK TIMES

Lacuna Coil are bringing their dulcet alt-metalling ways back around again with Dark Adrenaline, which is due out in October and sounds more than a little bit gothic than they've managed for a while now (older fans rejoice): "This time around music has been our refuge from some of the darkest days of our life and that's why the new songs have such a variety of feelings," said Cristina Scabbia. "Some stuff is pretty angry, probably the heaviest we've ever written, some other songs are intense, loaded with velvet dark emotions and there's even a little space for some light at the end of the tunnel. People are askin' me if we're going back to our roots or if we're taking another step forward in a new direction... well to be honest I just feel that this is 100% a Lacuna Coil record and that is what really matters to me."

What does that last bit even mean anymore? I love this chick.

 

TOTAL WAR WITH EARTH CRISIS

Looking up for Earth Crisis' newie Neutralize The Threat, just around the corner for July 4? Should be, it's a Kiwi-made killer. How do I know that? I punched 'EARTH CRISIS - Total War' into YouTube and got the results up me in a big way. Tickles.

 

CADAVEROUS EXHUMATION

Maybe you've heard those buzzsaw new tracks Necrotized and I Rot Within off of Exhumed's upcoming newie All Guts, No Glory, maybe you haven't. If not, you got some catching up to do, so git on over to metalunderground.com. If so, complete the trilogy of pre-emptive goregrind messiness by heading over to noisecreep.com and dying hopelessly to the racket of Through Cadaver Eyes. This ugly troll of a thing is due out on July 5. You kind of feel like you've just done something fucked up to someone's parrot after listening to it. Good, awful times!

 

GET A DISC UP YA

Alice In Chains - Alice In Chains [1995|Sony]

Local girl with two kids died last week. Thing is, she died from a heroin overdose, so my sympathy level is frighteningly low. Feel for the kids, though. Who dies of a fucking heroin overdose in this day and age? Relics from the drug-ignorant '90s, I guess. Whole thing made me think of this album. Dirt might be The One most ears cite as AIC's finest hour, but this is where it was really at; the oppressive, creeping soundtrack to a suspected overdose in progress (later confirmed).

 

FEEDBACK

(as always, as they appear in the ol' inbox)

Alright bro so I got a new girlfriend, she is absolutely gorgeous and definitely one I want to stick around. THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM THOUGH. You see, I have somewhat of an obsessive penchant for eating ass, like I REALLY FUCKIN LIKE IT. Wanna get my tongue up and down her shit crease like a dog, lapping for all I'm worth. Seeing as she's a keeper though, I don't wanna scare her off by getting too freaky too quickly, but i dunno how much longer i can wait, i NEED IT, i just wanna get at that unholy orifice like the degenerate freak I know i am, but am hiding from her. Poor girl, really, she has no idea that i hit the ground running when it comes to questionable sex practices. My question is, how soon is too soon to be supping on that little balloon knot?

 

Although, she was pretty fine with period sex so maybe I'm golden to just go for it? I dunno. ~strokes blood smeared cock lewdly~

  • sweetaction

 

 

While I have all the answers to even your most profane of sexual quandaries within easy reach, before we begin I also have a question of my won: Are we related?