Hello Luke. Here is a note with some questions on it because I really don ' t want to talk to you. Whatever happened to Furcurve?
"Well, McCasker, the feeling is mutual. Best we never meet nor even speak. I fear the consequences and let me tell you, I am usually fearless. I create horror, I will not succumb to it. But this once... As far as your question goes, that band is an old, stinking corpse by now. You can only push the works of The Morning Star for so long before you realize that orgies are more appealing than human sacrifice."
I still don ' t get it. Furcurve were awesome, right, and then ya ' ll go and set up Gay Paris which is remarkably similar on a whole lot of levels, anyway. Except you seemed to have been gargling Draino.
"I guess that the similarities are there because it's the same group of bastards from before - bar the recent addition of Six Guns on the drums. Of course, we were already great musicians before and now, well, we've got comfortable in our ugly little skins. Can you tell? Probably, you're likely even somewhat aroused. I don't blame you, buster."
And the gargling?
"Regarding what I do and don't gargle, Draino is such an ugly term, let's call it The Black Tooth Spritz (well fertilized, thanks, I don't want to drink anything that isn't going to get me some offspring, even if it is just a giant shame baby that ends up suckling at my hairy breast for the next decade or so)."
Right, so, anyway. Melbs don ' t know who the fuck you are. Summarise yourself: write me a sexy poem.
"We ran all night and now the sun is a tangerine promise, dripping blood,
The wolf's upright and the goat's head rocks the boat
We've skeleton whelps and a taste for hell, healing hands
So bring the girls,
The swamp get stomped and Hot Darkly takes the bow
The fiddler played and cellist stayed,
Sat on the stool, her legs all splayed
And that's act one in our great and hideous show
If you want more, we'll act as whores, with empty pockets
Rut on the floor
The stench of shame is one we'll see you know."
That's beautiful, Katie. Your live efforts are kind of performance art, in a way, and horrendously homoerotic. Lots of folk seem to love the shit, though. Faces are often mesmerised by your… short-shorts.
"I figure that it is important for ugly people to become sex symbols. For a long time, I worried about getting old, losing my 'looks', such as they were. Now, I'm with it - sexy is just whatever you let hang out; I don't have much, but it's all on show."
I ' ve even seen your penis, and I was just passing by. It ' s pretty cool.
"I'd probably let you touch it, if you wanted to. But get in line."
Your lyrics and crap are really impenetrable. They ' re not even esoteric, they ' re just kinda, you know, asylum wall paintings. What ' s up? Do you smoke rocks?
"A few years back, me and Slim smoked a bunch of crack and went wild for a few days, but now, we're really just into pharmaceutical uppers that you can get from the internet. I'm wouldn't think that has much effect on the way that I write - I just feel that it is important to have a message and a story and a unique voice. When you combine that shit, you end up with tales about time travelling anthropomorphic wolves, crayfish surgeons, Japanese fox spirits and slutty little cellists that really should have kept their legs closed. It's called art, you philistine prick."
That video clip for House Fire In The Origami District is heaps cock. Everybody should YouTube that shit at least once. Hard act.
"What's to follow? We show up and party with ourselves and some kind of wolf bartender. I hope that doesn't count as any kind of animal cruelty - I feel like this relates to masturbation, somehow. Are we cool?"
You ' re married to your bass player. Allegedly. You guys look fantastic together, but does this ever affect band politics? Remember what happened with No Doubt, Luke.
"Look, I really don't have any idea about No Doubt - oh, that's that chick who enslaved those little Harajuku girls, right? Man, I wish I'd thought of that first. The marriage is purely for legal purposes and I won't annoy you with the details, needless to say though, Slim is a rough lover with titanic stamina."
So, your management tells me that bi-curious men often solicit you for a bit of eh-eh because of the way you present yourself live, but that you don ' t actually swing that way. How many shades of awkward is that?
"I swing everywhere. If this is because we put a ban on her watching our post show 'celebrations,' she is just going to have to find a better way of dealing with her loneliness than slandering my good natured erotic free spirit."
How is Melbourne gonna handle this Gay Paris madness? How , Luke?
"Well, if they have any sense, everyone is going to get loaded and buy me drinks and test out just how sexually liberated I really am. I would also suggest that everyone read more, I'm not sure if it will help anyone deal with the doom we bring, but on a whole, I find that readers tend to be less likely to be completely dull or boorishly violent. Also, learn what irony means. Idiots."
GAY PARIS hit Melbourne this week, cockslapping The Old Bar on Saturday May 14, with The Toot Toot Toots, God God Dammit Dammit and King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard, and then gargling Cherry Bar on Sunday May 15 with Bravado and God God Dammit Dammit.