Charlie Murphy - The Acid Trip Tour

Two sausages were frying in a pan. The first sausage says, "It's getting hot in here". The second sausage says, "A talking sausage?!?".

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Q- What's the difference between a banjo and an onion.
A- Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
A: It may take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

A young couple from China, Chan & Yung get married. Spending their first night together, Chan can’t wait to consummate the marriage with his young bride! Despite having no experience in the matter, Chan puts on a brave face to his bride, who is hiding shyly under their bed covers.`Don’t wolly baby, I know what to do. We gonna have a good time. You tell me what your fantasy is and we can do!’. Yung says very meekly `Well, I have heard about the number 69 and I would really like to try it!’. Chan is stumped, and says to her `Why do you want to try Beef with Black Bean sauce?!’

What did Kermit The Frog say after Jim Hensen died?

Nothing.

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

Your momma's so fat, she went into an all you can eat restaurant and ate it all

What did the cheese say to its reflection in the mirror?
"Hallou-mi!"

What did the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry! (Gee, I'm a tree!)

Q: What do you call a guy with a shovel in his hand?
A: Doug

What did the 5 fingers say to the face?? SLAP! ( slap them in the face )

Your mama so fat, she uses the refrigerator as her lunch box

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

What's green and eats nut?
Herpes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Whats green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What do a washed-up boxer and Dracula's girlfriend have in common?

They both go down for the count.

3 Blind (drunk) Mice

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

You poke him on!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
P

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the Frog's finger.

Why did the cow win the Nobel Prize for science?
Because he was out standing in his field.