It goes without saying that we Melbourne folk are more refined than these degenerate show ponies. We know that the true test of a gentleman’s character is not whether he lives in an apartment by the water, nor whether he outscores his peers on Safari Mode in Big Buck Hunter II. Nay, the modern Melbourne man lives and dies by the salad fork. Your parents might have taken out a second mortgage to school you in Kew, your choice of cardigan and brocade shawl might have earned you pride of place in the mX fashion pages, but trust me kid, you won’t make good in this town until you know how to comport yourself in the homes of others.
To someone new to the game, the intricacies of the dinner party ritual can be a tad bewildering. Even if you’ve been raised in a household where an elbow resting on the table or a food morsel chewed with the mouth open was greeted with three quick whacks of the belt across the bum, a slavish adherence to conventional manners will only get you so far. Above all, there are three important and often overlooked things to remember when invited to sup at a friend’s house:
1. Always bring a bottle of red
It’s not always immediately apparent, but this country still labours under its anal Anglo heritage. Accordingly, there’s a certain amount of redundant social ritual to adhere to in any dinner party invitation. On receiving a request for their presence, the guest will ask the host if there is anything they should bring. The host will politely decline, taking the opportunity to pay deference to the guest’s ego: “just your lovely self, you sassy devil, you!”
This is total bullshit. Your host has probably woken up before the crack of dawn to get to the markets in time for the first bell, elbowing aside arthritic grandmothers and kicking over their trolleys to make sure they get just the right piece of gouda for the evening’s festivities. What’s expected of you is nothing more than a demonstration of respect for these labours.
Ideally, you should buy a bottle based on the socioeconomic status of your host. If they’re a student, then a $4 bottle of merlot with a picture of a bear holding a hunting rifle on the label will do. Otherwise, a $20 cab sav is usually inoffensive enough to fool anyone into thinking you have good taste.
2. Always be effusive with your praise
Perhaps your host has watched an episode or two of MasterChef and have decided they’re ready to move beyond a diet of vegemite toast and fish finger sandwiches. Perhaps they’ve decided that they’re ready to start entertaining their gourmand friends without developing their culinary skill set to your standards. Hey, that’s OK. Not everyone owns a magic Matt Preston cravat that grants them special cooking powers. Even if your host has put canned tuna in a tomato-based pasta, you should still praise the shit out of it.
At the end of the day, dinner parties are usually not about the quality food, but a flimsy pretext for a collection of high-functioning alcoholics to get tanked on a weeknight without the expense or existential despair of the pub. If you’re in doubt about the menu, getting a bit pissy before you rock up will make it go down easier.
3. Gently resist your host’s efforts to play Amelie
Oftentimes, hosts with a boring day job and a taste for vicarious living like to use any gathering in their homes as a subtle social laboratory. Usually without your knowledge or consent. You may have been judiciously seated next to another single person of the appropriate sexual orientation, and the other assembled guests – all very tedious couples – keep sneaking expectant glances at you, a little too ready to top up your wine glasses and tell you all about the things you both have in common.
This sort of pressure usually ends in tears. Both parties will clue onto what’s happening pretty early on in the game, and it’s hard to be at your charming best when every utterance is silently evaluated by eight other people who otherwise consider a joint excursion to IKEA to be a weekend well spent. But hey, you probably brought it on yourself when your friends stumbled across your inadequately concealed OKCupid profile. They probably considered this a noble, cheaper alternative to donating to a starving Burmese child through World Vision. Suck it up, go home alone and never speak of this travesty again.
