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Nick Joined: 19th January 2011
Last seen: 8th April 2014

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Fast 5

Firstly, I’ll admit that I could not remain impartial to review this film. From my entrance into the cinema, I was overcome with nervousness due to my lack of Kappa attire, and my inability to employ the phrase “oh my goddddddd” in every sentence. I did not fit in with this audience.

Luckily for me, though, I got to watch The motherfuckin’ Rock act for two hours. For those of you who don’t know Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and can’t smell what he is cooking, just think of him as the action genre’s Rob Schneider, and mankind’s version of a mentally disabled ox. He has some serious muscle though. What a unit. He should have his own gender.
 
Of course, he’s just the knob of this collective penis of an acting ensemble. We have Vin Diesel, whose last name, bulky physique, and tendency to forget how to act make him perfect for the role. With The Rock and Vin Diesel in it, this movie had so much testosterone that I grew another testicle to join the other three. Then, of course, we have Ludacris…lol. Nice try, dickheads. Thankfully, Portuguese actor Joaquim de Almeida, who plays the rich drug lord, rescues this acting group. He saves the film not because of his acting, but because of his hilarious physical similarities to Geoffrey Rush. His picture is displayed on your left. I know, it’s unbelievable.
 
Fast And Furious 5 focuses less on the car thread that has sewn the other four films together, and more on the heist element. It’s basically Ocean’s Eleven for dumb Muzzas. The film has its thrilling moments, but these fun moments are very difficult to enjoy as they’re accompanied by possibly the shittest dialogue in any movie ever. The trailer donates a glimpse of the dialogue – “this just went from mission impossible, to mission in-freakin’-sanity”.
 
Other great moments include “That’s for my team, you son of a bitch” and “$11 million? Sounds like a whole lot of vaginal activity to me”. Whoopty-whoop African-American what?! Vaginal activity? I’m sorry but that is not sexual term. It sounds as if a vagina has detached itself and gone for a workout at the gym. Who the fuck is saying, “baby you are so hot I just want to take you home and participate in some vaginal activity with you so bad...”? Brilliant work from writer Chris Morgan. Yes, the Chris Morgan. You might know him from other masterpieces such as Fast And Furious: Tokyo Drift and Wanted. Another gargantuan failure of the film is the impossibility of many of the action sequences, and whilst nerds will point out that it’s a movie and it’s exaggerated, I refuse to believe that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker would not high five, make-out or just straight bum each other in joy after surviving a several-hundred metre fall off a cliff into water.
 
After five films now, it’s obvious that there’s no stopping the sixth one from its eventual release, and because we’ve invested so much time in all the other turds (with the exception of the first film), we painfully will have to see it to feel complete. Let us pray that the next time Vin Diesel invites the gang back for “one last mission” again, he means it.

Ocean's Eleven for Muzzas.
 
*(Editor Note: I appreciate that 'vaginal activity' appears as the top automatically generated tag for this post.)