Dayne Rathbone: (sic)

Dear Amelia,


Thanks you for letting me write for an essay for Beat magazine. I usually just like writing songs all the time, but its basically exactly the same but without any music effects.


My friend Brian is really good at English. He wrote and essay and Mrs Ross said that she was really impressed because he used the word putrid in the essay and he got a B+ (which was an improvement). I think it was unfair because he is always the teachers pet and "if you write one more essay about putrid again you'll get a detention" which is unfair.


Brian lets me hang out with him any time I want to before school, and I never tell anyone about wanking in the girls toilet. Even once when Leezle told on him, I just told everyone it was me to make up for it, which Brian gave me a high-five.


If the essay has to be on history, then I don't want to do it, but if it has to be on science, then I do want to do it. Because history is about everything that was already been invented but science is about everything that was invented in the future so you can invent anything yet.


A heat seeking knife. A toilet that doesn't care if you pee on the seat on it. No shouting and no swearing. A heat seeking grenade. Mum doesn't have cancer. A million dollar note. Everybody has a best friend who is an alien.


And that's just to name a few things that are invented in science.


More other things are a robot that is gentle and kind, a sword that cuts through other swords, pudding cereal, a heat seeking grenade, no annoying sisters, a jet that makes clouds and can fly through clouds, vegetables that tastes like a pudding.


Mr Peterson said I have a knack for inventions which means I'm really good at them. Mr Peterson is definitely not a teacher, but he definitely knows about a lot of cool stuff about everything. Mr Peterson told me that I could come around any time I want, but everybody says he is a "convicted paedophile". Mr Peterson said "that's a good one" and he laughed. It's because his surname is Paedophile, which is probably why everyone is confused the whole time.


The one song I wrote with Mr Peterson goes like this "All around the swings, all around the swings, all around the swings, all around the swings, all around the swings in the morning". I usually sing it while Mr Peterson hums at the same time so that it sounds really good.


Your friend,


Dayne Rathbone


Dayne Rathbone won the RAW Comedy competition this year.