7th Heaven Sucks
Nick Taras lost a bet to his Danish friend, who is an avid fan of 7th Heaven, and a major bitch. His punishment was to review the pilot episode of the show. This is the result of his gamble.
The very first scene in this “family” show is the father waking up with an erection. I should mention that this erection is never directly shown, but it’s most certainly implied. Erections probably aren’t a common occurrence at his age, so obviously he wants to take advantage of it. He snuggles towards his wife and immediately I wonder if I’ve opened up the wrong folder on my laptop.
However, just as they’re about to infuse some sexual passion in their likely banal middle-class family lifestyle, a knock on the door is heard. The youngest child stumbles in, ruins the vibe, and asks, “What were you doing?” to which her mother replies, “Well…we were just getting up”. What a liar! Immediately, the audience is forced to question the values of this family. What kind of family is this? Is lying important to them? Does it form the very basis of their existence? How corrupt is this family? Is Kurupt their favourite rapper? Not a good first impression.
This bitch is then followed by the second youngest child, Simon, perhaps the dorkiest kid I think I’ve ever seen. His haircut alone is offensive to all that mankind has accomplished. His father greets him with “Good morning Simon” to which he immediately replies in a snobby forthright tone, “I was just wondering…what are we having for breakfast?”
Simon is obviously a Marxist, as he implies that the family will all be participating in an equal feasting experience regardless of their contribution to society and economic production. Is Simon planning a coup d’état to overthrow his father’s monarchical rule and establish a classless utopia? Too early to tell, but my foreknowledge that 7th Heaven lasted 11 seasons suggests it’s highly likely. Get your fucking political ideologies out of this family show, Simon, you little douchebag.
Eventually some other gimpy kids enter the room one-by-one (conveniently in age order) until the oldest child walks in and tells the kids to leave their parents’ bedroom, as he informs them that “it’s Saturday…the day Mum and Dad sleep late”. Oh yeah…“sleep late”. He knows what’s up, or rather, what was up, and what will likely not be up again for a very long time.
Moving on from this epic first scene, we see the mother in the kitchen assuming the role of the traditional housewife as she is preparing a salad. Her skill with the knife implies she is familiar with the weapon, perhaps a former CIA agent or a mass murderer. The father pours some wine into two wine glasses, adopts a haunting erotic grin, and sexily slithers towards his wife. As if being blatant liars and skilled knife-wielders weren’t bad enough, they’re now also alcoholics…and all this in the first two scenes with the credits still rolling.
At breakfast, comrade Simon says grace and muses “…and if there really is a God, I know you’ll find a way to get me that dog I’ve been wanting”. Simon’s questioning of the existence of God further establishes his Marxist worldview, and his “I know you’ll find a way” remark is obviously just a wink to the Marxist idea of consumption in proportion to need. The father “assures” his child “that there really is a God” yet provides no evidence for such a profound claim and thus institutes a lack of rationalism and free thought into the family. Simon, God hasn’t given you a dog for two reasons buddy: a) because of your haircut and b) because he probably doesn’t exist, which I’m very confident to say now that I’ve seen your haircut.
Overall, this episode alone gives us enough hints of what can be expected from the rest of the series. We can expect some heavy moral lessons, but these lessons are going to come from some boring and disturbed teachers. If anything, this show is kind of like American Beauty. Everything’s fine on the surface, but there is this dark underworld hidden inside this household.
The family appear to be lovely Christians, but deep down this is not the case. The father rules the family with a fierce iron-fist, slamming all his own ideologies onto his young children. The mother is an alcoholic stabbing machine. Simon has unrealistic political ideologies for a ten-year-old, and a shit haircut. The whole family is in shambles. 7th Heaven, I’m happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but you are one of the worst shows of all time. ALL. TIME.
Seven reasons to kill myself.