Red Riding Hood
Contrary to popular belief, Red Riding Hood was not based on the classic fairy tale Little Red Riding Hood. Judging by the acting alone, it becomes quite obvious within fifteen minutes of the film that it was actually based on Little Red Riding Hood And Snow White In A Wild Dwarf Gangbang, a classic porno, filled with spoof (pronounced sp-ewf), in which the actors definitely drive much deeper into their characters than in Red Riding Hood. A lot deeper. Depressingly, Red Riding Hood and the porno version are incredibly similar. Both feature horny teenagers, a predictable ending, shitty acting and their own form of an Oldman. However, Gary Oldman was probably the only male actor in the film that didn’t suck, and there were a lot of dudes in this movie. It says a lot about a movie if the audience starts to expect a cameo by Rob Schneider, and actually feel let down when he doesn’t show.
Red Riding Hood was directed by Catherine Hardwicke, whose films include the brilliant Thirteen and the acclaimed Lords Of Dogtown. Her obvious talent leads me to my next point. Fairy tales are almost always succinct. Stretching a fairy tale into a full-length feature film requires more narrative and sub-plots than the original fairy tale contained, and whilst difficult, it’s not impossible to pull off (see Disney). So why do it? To make bank, bro. This movie is such an obvious money-grabber that it’s offensive to those of us still drinking goon. The financial success of Twilight, also directed by Catherine Hardwicke, clearly prompted studio execs to inject that formula into whatever script they could find, and what a script this was. Every bit of dialogue was like a turkey slap to the face. However, this slap was somewhat cushioned by Amanda Seyfried, who plays Little Red Riding Hood, or Valerie as she’s referred to in this movie. Seyfried is one of the few bright-spots in the film. She is not only stunning but entrancing in her role, and whilst Red Riding Hood will go on to make money and feed the dollar-driven dicks that work in Hollywood, I pray she never wastes her talent in a banal turd like this again. I give it three stars out of ten.