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Last seen: 24th July 2014

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Watching a movie about Justin Bieber is a lot like having sex with a fat yet confusingly attractive prostitute. You don’t want anyone to know you did it, and in the morning all the cheese in the fridge will be missing, but it won’t cost you much and somehow you’ll enjoy it. And it’s in 3D.

However, all it took was one scene, a close-up of Justin Bieber swaying her glistening hair in slow motion, to instil an urge in me to immediately return home, invite my friend Paul over, and sexually punish him George Michael-style all day and all night just to feel less gay than I was currently feeling. This urge was not suppressed, and I am writing this from jail. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never documents Justin Bieber’s rise from YouTube sensation to worldwide phenomenon, culminating in the documentary’s climax at her concert at Madison Square Garden. It also provides a lot of contrastive footage for the sequel, Justin Bieber: Never Said Never To Trying Heroin, which will document her lonely spiralling collapse from worldwide phenomenon to drug-addicted Redtube sensation. Sure, Bieber may be fine now, but you wait. She’ll likely join the exclusive elite group of celebrities that “missed out” on childhood because of their fame, such as Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin, to end up dead, depressed, or even married.
The central concept of the story, as evidenced in the title, is to never give up and that “you can do anything if you put your mind to it”, or more appropriately, “if you’re rich, white and good-looking you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. As the movie progresses from footage of Bieber as a toddler through to teenager, it becomes clear that Bieber has become more than a person; she’s become a brand. The motherfucker decides to shave and people freak out because she might cut her precious face. It’s obvious that Bieber’s agent, manager, vocal coach and stylist are her friends now, and they have two goals: avoid an inevitable Charlie Sheen encounter and make sure Angelina Jolie doesn’t try adopt Bieber whilst she’s young.
Director Jon Chu, who has directed other classics such as Step Up 2: The Streets and Step Up 3-D, structured and tailored the movie exactly to the tastes of his target audience. He really couldn’t fuck this one up, and his non-failure should be congratulated. Whilst perhaps a bit longer than necessary, the film is entertaining regardless of one’s opinion of the great shemale. The mania of female fans that follow Bieber is eye-opening and shocking. Fans are crying, fainting and physically assaulting Bieber because their love cannot be contained, kind of like Dad’s reason for beating me. Seriously, these bitches be crazy. At first I thought his bodyguards were really just cockblockers but some these girls are absolute psychos. If these nutbars were brainwashed by the military to obsess about Bin Laden instead, we’d have crushed that Nazi and be living in a communist free utopia already.
Several celebrities make an appearance, such as Usher, Miley Cyrus and Boyz II Men (whom Michael Jackson once famously confused for a delivery service, according to a fact made up for this review). These celebrities have influenced Bieber musically but also in terms of mannerisms. Upon meeting Jaden Smith, he pokes Smith’s stomach with a microphone, much to the displeasure of Smith; but it’s all cool, because if I high-five him and call him “man” then he’ll like me. Bieber is talented, but the film gives the impression that there’s definitely an important lack of companionship from people his age. He acts like a celebrity on the surface, but there’s a subtle hint that he has a yearning to just be a normal Canadian chap with no money and no girlfriends.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is a fascinating insight into the incomprehensible madness surrounding Justin Bieber, and whilst certainly not a ground-breaking film, his intriguingly chaotic world and the movie’s depiction of celebrity culture make it watchable and somewhat engaging. However, I’d recommend inviting a little sister or cousin to the movie, not your best friend, because you know…it’s Justin fucking Bieber.